After a relationship that lasted two summers, plus a few brief blips in between, I have seen Jonathan for the last time before college. There is so so much I want to say on this, but all I can think right now is that he left. He left he left he left. Gone. Goodbye. End of our story, there is nothing left for us explore. Everything we were going to be we have been and we will never be any more. This is sounding stupid. I will try again to explain this later.

Monday
8:30-9:45 Evolution and Genetics - J. Langeland, V. Pybus
10:00-11:35 Beginning Ballet - S. Farrell
11:50-1:05 The Empire Writes Back - K. Smith
2:40-3:55 Calculus I - J. Fink
(4:00-5:30 College Singers - J. Turner) - Pending Vocal Evaluation

Tuesday
12:30-4:00 Evolution and Genetics Lab - V. Pybus
(4:00-5:30 Jazz Band - T. Evans) - Back-up for singing

Wednesday
8:30-9:45 Evolution and Genetics - J. Langeland, V. Pybus
10:00-11:35 Beginning Ballet - S. Farrell
11:50-1:05 The Empire Writes Back - K. Smith
2:40-3:55 Calculus I - J. Fink
6:00-8:00 Fencing J. Krueger

Thursday
4:00-5:30 College Singers - J. Turner (Pending Vocal Evaluation)
4:00-5:30 Jazz Band - T. Evans (Back-up for singing)

Friday
8:30-9:45 Evolution and Genetics - J. Langeland, V. Pybus
11:50-1:05 The Empire Writes Back - K. Smith
2:40-3:55 Calculus I - J. Fink

LAST WEEKEND
Write about nature in advertising
Type up lecture notes from Environmental Studies
Math homework
Finish Memoir essay
Read 30 pages of The Sunflower
Start Japanese Storybook
Work on Kanji dictionary
Write deferment letter
Write resume

BY FRIDAY, MAY 1ST (Last day of track classes)
Finish all Math
Finish The Sunflower
Finish all Japanese worksheets
Finish Kanji dictionary
Be almost done with Storybook
Decide what college to go to(Kalamazoo)

TONIGHT/TOMORROW NIGHT/THIS WEEK
Write up nature in advertising
Finish Memoir essay
Do Japanese Storybook
Write English essay about forgiveness
Draw building plan for environmentally friendly condos
Edit essay about me vs. polar bear's natural lifestyle
Write Tasks and Responsibilities for the Student Council Consititution
Find the book we have to read for Symptomatology (read it)
Work on Japanese worksheets

Write resume <---(Edit: This is the one I worked on)
Work on Senior Project
Clean my room/house
See friends and enjoy CLASSES BEING OVER.

THIS WEEKEND
Write about nature in advertising
Type up lecture notes from Environmental Studies
Math homework
Finish Memoir essay
Read 30 pages of The Sunflower
Start Japanese Storybook
Work on Kanji dictionary
Write deferrment letter
Write resume

BY FRIDAY, MAY 1ST (Last day of track classes)
Finish all Math
Finish The Sunflower
Finish all Japanese worksheets
Finish Kanji dictionary
Be almost done with Storybook
Decide what college to go to

BY SATURDAY, MAY 16TH (Senior Project presentations)
Finish Environmental Studies Main Lesson Book
Finish Senior Project (multiple components)
Also, figure out Economics incomplete work
Apply for multiple jobs
(Hear from CityYear for sure!)

BY SUNDAY, MAY 7TH (Graduation)
Finish Symptomotology Main Lesson Book
Finish all play work
Write Graudation speech
Have job

I struggled recently, thinking myself unlikable.
Why is it that I worry most people don't like me?

And then I realized today that I don't like most people.
It's strange, but it would easily explain why I don't get along easily with many people (especially my own age).

So now, why don't I like most people?
It really is the question I should be more concerned with.

I've cried for days and months and years over the same thing, and still, tonight, it is the same as it has always been. Crying and heaving, gasping for breath, then suddenly stopping while lost in thought until the pressure rushes down on me again and I'm weeping and wailing with nothing held back.

It's not getting better. For so many months I've thought it's been getting better, I thought I've been happier, I thought I was more productive and efficient. No. I'm not. NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

I don't even know what to do at all. I don't feel like I can do anything. I can't function on a basic level. I won't be able to move in the direction of school, I won't be able to enjoy my vacation. I won't pass my class and all my schools will reject me because my acceptance was only contingent on passing my classes. I won't get my senior project even started because of all the other menial and less important yet more pressing concerns left to deal with, and I will be totally disappointed with the product I produce, making the whole project mostly pointless.

I will move out, and thus never feed myself and never sleep. I will break down at least once a week if not every day and be totally lost.

However, through all of this, most people will not know how incapable and distressed I am because of my constant lies and cover-ups. I will explain away any major problems, and continue to present myself as mature, capable, and confident. This will only serve to dig my hole deeper as I live more and more of a lie and fail to get help and work on fixing my problems. I don't even know how I would do that. I have no idea how to even begin a process of seeking help for my problems so as to fix them. I am so lost and so frozen with fear now that I cannot even picture what one day, one week will look like for me.

How did this happen? What did I do? What do I do? Can any of this really be happening right now? I don't even feel like this is part of the life I'm living right now. It really has seemed fine for so long now that this just feels impossible. It's like I've broken.

Then the crying finally stops and the headache comes. It's pounding and terrible, so that even if I did try to focus on the problem and work it out, the head just screams pushes everything into the forehead. My back and shoulders and knees all hurt.

I applied to thirteen schools, and I have been accepted to three already. Adelphi University, Guilford College, and Wheelock College. Guilford looks bad, but the other two look good enough.

Let me just tell you a bit about the school I most recently heard from, Wheelock. It is not my first choice, but it's enough to keep me happy even if all the other schools deny me. It is a school in Boston that focuses on education, particularly early development, as well as social work, human services, and basic arts and sciences. It has less than 1,000 students, and is about 92% female... that's not exactly a plus though. On the financial side, the tuition is ~26,000 plus ~10,000 room and board. In addition to this relatively low price, I received a 16,500 per year merit scholarship. (I'm sorry, what? makes me think they'll take anyone...) But it looks great and I'm excited about this and I wanted to share it with you.

Here is a Google map of the schools I've applied to, with labels and acceptance status.
http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?hl=en&ie=UTF8&oe=UTF8&msa=19&msid=114746154569016941768.0004607d89de32705ccb6

I care about her a lot. I think about her often. One minute talking to her and I'll still be elated for days after. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I expect. I can't expect anything, but it doesn't keep me from thinking about it or wanting something. But it is impossible to express how impossible this situation is. I'm most likely just attached to an idea of her and not really her. I hardly know her really, but I can't even explain how much I like her and everything that happens to me when she's around. That's probably a lie, I could go very far into a description of how I feel after I get a chance to talk to her, but I can't even let myself go there. It's just not okay. I don't want to look back on this and pity "how delusional I was when I was young". It's creepy, too. But oh man, I just don't like this at all. Why must I be so attached to something so far away?

boo boo blah blah blah life is pretty uninteresting right now. the sky looks AMAZING. i wish i were dating someone. Karl never called me after his date to tell me how it went... boo boo boo i guess i could have called him. didn't go to school... had a headache, but also never went to bed and eventually fell asleep on the couch around 5 and couldn't get up for school. boring boring. really do want to date someone. omg, set me up? you know some cute guys? some non-slutty drunk lesbians? lovely. i want to meet more people. my school is so small and so doomed. i don't think i'll be coming back to visit... i might be applying to boston instead of rhode island. my friend is doing rhode island and we haven't been getting along as well as we were. i orinally wanted to do boston more anyway, though i've been getting really attached to rhode island. it'll be a moot point if i don't finish the application by sunday though. and that other application too.. St. John's. and there's western if i decide to finish that. oooooh senior project! that's a craplod of work that i haven't even started on. bitch bitch. i'm doomed. all i really have to do is enough to graduate with, but i really wanted to do a good job on my project. yes, but that is totally improbable. if you don't know, escher. i'm trying to create oringinal escher-like pieces for my project. not copy, but use similar principles... it's difficult, but I like it.

it's difficult, but i like it.

So, things are pretty much ok. I don't know how to say it, because everything is still the same, I freak out about school, I don't do a lot outside of school, I spend too much time on the computer, I don't see friends very often, but everything feels better than it has before. Maybe it's because I've applied to college now (and done a good job at that) and I'm on my way out the door of a crumbling school. I don't know. It feels great. I like people at school, I feel like I've got a healthy social life going there. My teachers like me, my peers listen to me, and I got my work in on time on Friday, minus the final essay that got extended because several of us didn't turn it in. I'm diving into my senior project tomorrow, I'm going to study Escher and his style, and make an attempt at my own Escher-like pieces. It's going to be hard, but I am excited for it. Have you been to the store Math 'n' Stuff on Roosevelt? It's this small store that has cool math and logic related things including tons of Escher related materials.

In June my class is going to San Fransisco for a week. Do you have any suggestions of what the eight of us could do there?

uh huh. oh yeah. here we go.


and now we wait.

On January 20th, an officer walks up to the White House and asks to see President Bush. The guard replies, "I'm sorry sir, but George Bush doesn't live here anymore." The officer nods and walks away.

The next day, the officer goes up to the guard and says, "I'd like to see President Bush." He is told again that George Bush does not live there anymore.

The next day, the officer comes again and asks to see President Bush. The guard replies, "I don't understand sir. I've told you yesterday and the day before that George W. Bush does not live here anymore."

"Yes, I know that son, but I just like hearing you say it."

"Aye, aye, sir. See you tomorrow!"

All the people fucked by college applications, all the people fucked by college applications
All the people fucked by college applications, all the people fucked by college applications
All the people fucked by college applications, all the people fucked by college applications
All the people fucked by college applications

Now put your hands up!

(up in the club, we just broke up, I'm doing my own little thing. Decided to dip, and now he's gonna trip, 'cause another brother noticed me. He up on me, me up on him, don't pay him any attention. I cried my tears for three good years, you can't get mad at me...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g)

I broke down and cried for over 15 minutes today. I was all by myself in the house all out sobbing, I can't remember a worse time in all my life. Terrible, really really terrible. I eventually called my mom and sobbed in her ear until she got me to get back on the computer and work until she got home. I wanted to talk to other people but I didn't feel like there was anyone I could call in such heavy distress... I don't know. I just want it to be over with. I don't even know how badly I want to go to college. But if I do go to college, I want it to be a good school that I will be happy at. So, this is what I have to do.

I kept careful track of weather reports all weekend, waiting for the promised snow on Sunday night to come and assure a snowday for Monday. I did this instead of homework, so when it did not snow, I slept in anyway and pretended it went my way. Though it was sneaky of me, I did have the excuse that I was used to the routine, from when we were Hazel Wolf, that we do whatever Seattle Public Schools does, meaning 2 hour late start. I knew this was wrong and it was only half an excuse, so I headed to school to be an hour late.

I arrived at school, went to sign in with Jabbles the secretary, and heard laughter from the room next door. Jabbles was busy with the dean, so I went to the class room and found the school gathered there, playing some sort of group game. It was explained to me that all the heaters were broken and - get this - we were likely to be released within the next ten minutes.

So, I joined the game for a few minutes before the dean came in to announce that our parents had been called to give their consent for our dismissal. If our parents did not respond we were allowed to call them ourselves. Being 18, I just left.

Faculty had been there an hour before school and knew the heaters were broken, but neglected to share the information, meaning some students who have 2 hour commutes had to come and then turn back. I was annoyed because I had to wait half an hour for the next bus with Cyd and some freshmen in the 28 degree weather.

I went home and slept. Didn't do any more homework... Worked on my common app. supplements a bit.

Again, I cried on my birthday.

We shall at least say it is not for self-absorbed purposes, as it has been. Rather, I seem to have overcome that mess. I still cried, though, and it was for the more ordinary combined purposes that my parents do not seem to be capable of being around each other without conflict, and that (yet again!) I will have to turn in work late. I called up my teacher to ask, and he is such a nice guy that there was no question at all that it was ok. I hung up and cried. I could still hear some muffled mocking from my mother in the kitchen.
I didn't cry very long, but it had an impact because I have cried so often on my birthday and it is such a contradictory thing. Usually I am sad because I do not feel recognized or because it surprised me once again that others are not as impacted by this day as I am.

This year was lovely though. I stepped in the door and everyone shouted happy birthday, there was a balloon on my locker, and the whole day was filled with food. Even the freshmen, who I hardly speak to or know, smiled and said happy birthday when they saw me. In Optics we did a lab that somehow ended in s'mores. For study hall I ate cookies and talked to a friend who's traveling across the country. In Russian literature we ate two cakes, and I got a test back with 11/10! Japanese class we made delicious hand rolls. Spacial Dynamics we played "Hugby," which was hilarious and fun, and in Calculus we actually had a productive day where my questions were answered. It had been such a good day, and for once I did not worry how many people had written on my wall on Facebook. I just didn't want to deal with any messes, but I am just out of luck when dealing with my parents.

There's a program called CITY Year by AmeriCorps that I'm really interested in. It's basically full time community service, for which you get almost $5,000 scholarship, plus a weekly stipend to live off of. It looks like a great experience, but you can only apply to one location, or let them pick at random. There are more options, but these are the ones I'm interested. Can you help narrow it down? (*edit: please disregard LA)

Poll #1295650 I need help picking the location for my potential gap year.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 2

Which of these places could you see me living in for 10 months?

Which one do you think would be the best for me?

This is a fucking issue that will not go away. I don't even remember when all this started, but I know that I have not always been this fucking inept. For several year, in several circumstances, I totally know how to do what I need to do, but I fail completely at doing it. That statement is wrong. It seems like I totally know how to do what I need to do. Everyone, including myself, thinks it is no problem and continues to believe it will get done. But no matter the assignment, from Japanese worksheets to essays on nature to calculus review problems, the likeliness of me accomplishing it approaches nil, because I just don't do it. And it's not even as though I do something else instead that I'd rather do. No. I sit on the computer, or I used to watch tv, I zone out, and I waste my time. I think about the assignments, sure. I write the essays in my head. When I'm in class I know the Biochemistry material, but I have nothing to show for it. I don't gt it, it's really stressful for me. I cry about it pretty often, and then I feel stupid because it's not like I could just do something about it. Right? I'm the one in control, and I could just fix everything by doing my work. I could just sit down and do it. Just do it. Stop thinking about it and do it. But I'm frozen. There's too much to do. It's piled up and piled up. Summer internship stuff still not completed. Senior project proposal remains unwritten. Economics portfolio from three weeks ago still not completed. Three essays for essay class still not started, two more still need new edits. Biochemistry portfolio is two weeks behind. Calculus and Japanese homework beginning to slip.

This is not a new issue; it is a long standing problem. Though I feel smart and capable, I simply am not. This head is not enough, and really, it's a waste. This is not something that will get better on it's own, and I am at a loss at what I can do to fix it. I've made small fixes, small leaps that work temporarily. But in the overall sense, I never feel happy and I can never get things done. I don't know what will happen to my life, but this just isn't fucking working at all.

I have always suspected that I am at least a little impressive, if not VERY impressive. I think there is something very special about me, and not just that "I'm a unique snowflake" stuff. No, I think I actually can be set apart from most other people I know, though not all. I have special talents and my way of thinking and my abilities are not easily found. Though I am not at "the top" by any means. Though I have suspected that I am capable of great things, I have not found any assurance of this. Once in a while someone will tell me they see something different about me and try to explain the unique feeling they get from me, but it is never enough to convince me of anything. Clearly, though, it does stay in my mind. I think I long for someone I admire, someone I get a, "this person is really impressive," vibe from to tell me that they think the same of me. There are a few people for whom this is true, but I do not think I am very close to getting any final resolution from them.

I wonder about this a lot. That perhaps everyone can feel the same inspirational power behind their abilities and I am delusional in thinking I've got something different going on. Actually, I really don't think so. I genuinely believe I've got something more to me than your average person. I don't know what this means though. It does not guarantee greatness or success or happiness. Though all I know is what I think internally. I really do wish I could get true conformation that my suspicions that there is something about me that is indeed highly impressive.

First it must be a hot day. That is, it has always been a hot day so far, but that may not be true forever. I will have not slept very much or very well, and also not eaten any more than a piece of toast. Then, in the hot weather, I probably exert myself to run some place because I am late. From this point I may either simply be standing around for a long time mentioning the heat and looking around for water, or I sit or lie around for a while and decide to stand up, but wither way my head rushes, my eyesight fades out, and the floor comes to my face. This has happened at least five times in my life; I have fainted. The last time it happened was last week when I got up from the couch to get a sandwich. I stood in front of the kitchen, my mom was talking and then my forehead hurt a little and my mom was breathing heavily while clutching my arms. That time, I vaguely remember thinking wild things while it happened, and I remember feeling my arms shaking and my hands trying to grab things around me. It was terrifying, my mom said it looked like I was having a seizure. I remember it though, it was wild and passionate fear, until I was sitting on the ground. I am a little afraid these spells will continue, and maybe I won't wake up immediately, maybe there won't be anyone around, maybe I'll fall somewhere that is very dangerous to fall. It's part of a lifestyle, though. Not my lifestyle, but maybe not far off.


In other news, I am suddenly very miserable. I think I shall become a total hermit very soon, and discover it's not very different from how I live already.

I'm doing mediocre in school these days, how about the rest of y'all? I guess it mostly fluxes, some times I can't stand it, sometimes I think school is fantastic. The former is more common though.

As mentioned in that schedule, I have Economics right now, which is being taught by a senior class co-sponsor, who is a gigantic annoyance. He may have smart issues to bring up in class, but he speaks right over us, asks us fairly obvious questions in a condescending manner, and continues to tell us why the way our school was before doesn't work anymore. He does not listen very well, and it seems he is one of the people largely responsible for the dramatic changes. I don't know if I've mentioned how much has changed, but it's a monstrous amount. It is another school now, actually. New teachers, new students, new classrooms, new classes, new rules, new traditions, new expectations, it's outrageous. But whenever we try to talk to this man about it, we are faced with smugness and disrespect.

I will admit that there are several things that are nicer about the school, a lot of effort was made in to make it look nicer over the summer. Also, there are lots of art classes for this year, including drawing with a teacher who I really like and get along with. Plus, I'm having Eurythmy for the first time in my life (a class usually required at a Waldorf school, it has to do with spacial awareness and beauty in the forms of the human body). Also, we have a real PE teacher who is Waldorf trained, (called Spacial Dynamics in Waldorf) and he's very competent and eager to start active after school activities. More Waldorf themed classes include band and all-school choir. I actually brought and played my saxophone for the first time in over three years. We've never had any sort of music program before, and granted the music teacher is a bit weird, it's nice to have it, I love singing and playing the saxophone again will be interesting (I'm pretty terrible at it so far).

So that's Economics (everyday), Drawing, Eurythmy, Spacial Dynamics, Band, and Choir (all twice a week), and then also Senior Essay, AP Calculus, and Japanese 4 (all 4 times a week). That's a butt-load of classes on my plate. Senior Essay is great to have, I'm finally learning real, proper grammar and being hounded on with my essays. This is a new teacher who is old and experienced with everything, she comes to us after 19 years at San Fransisco Waldorf School and seems to also be responsible for many changes, though much more tolerable about it. AP Calculus is something new as well, we are using a textbook and plan to take the AP test in the spring. The new teacher seems a little intimidated by how eager we are to do our work and learn more math, and is a bit under prepared. That's ok though, he's getting better, and there's always a textbook to turn to. (AAAHHH, a textbook! I haven't used textbooks here, ever.) One of three teachers that have stayed the same from last year (two if you're counting from two years ago, and the only consistent teacher if you count from three years ago) is out Japanese teacher. There are now four people in this class, and we are able to more at a decent rate for the first time. Except for James, he proves to be a great hindrance. When he is absent though, the class is great; she speaks in Japanese, and we understand! I still know a very surprisingly small amount of Japanese. Fortunately, I don't think this matters very much as long as I get the credits for taking the classes.

In two weeks Economics will end and I'll have Biochemistry with a familiar teacher. I'm hoping this will be good, and that he will understand when I miss three days to visit the Midwest for college visits in October.